The Two Things You Crave the Most: Part 2
Intimacy and Influence - Part 2
By Brian Phipps
In Part 1 of this series, I shared how two questions began haunting me in middle school:
Question 1: Will people like me?
Question 2: Will I ever be good at something?
I also shared how a version of these questions affects everyone at some level because of how we’ve been created. God created us to experience:
Intimacy (the ability to love & be loved)
Influence (partnering with God to make earth more like heaven)
The question I invite you to consider in this blog is, “Were your longings for intimacy and influence so powerful that they caused you to try and fulfill them in ways that caused more pain than joy?”
My longing for intimacy and influence caused plenty of pain in my high school and young adult years. They caused scars that would eventually threaten my young marriage and family life. It’s possible that you’ve had a similar experience and, therefore, have similar scars that threaten the intimacy and strength of your present relationships. Intimacy and influence can go bad. Fortunately, God’s healing and grace covers all.
Intimacy and Influence Gone Bad
My longing for intimacy became troublesome when I started sacrificing my character to gain the temporary dopamine hits that came from the approval of others. It began with changes in my language. I wanted to fit in with the cool kids, so I started using words I had never used before to feel “cool.” This search for approval led me to engage in behaviors I had to hide from my parents. Pretty soon, I was lying to my parents regularly in order to continue the habits I had formed. My longing for approval was creating a wedge between who I wanted to be and who I was becoming. The “approval” from others felt incredible when it was happening but left me feeling horrible later. Like any other drug, however, I couldn’t say “no” to its allure.
The most damage to (and from) my young heart came from the series of “all or nothing” relationships I had with girls. I longed for intimacy, but I didn’t have a meaningful foundation of love to selflessly give it or receive it. I was starving for approval so much that the relationships were much more about me than about any potential “us.” At that age, my longing for acceptance expressed itself through physical and sexual choices, all of which were a hollow substitute for true intimacy. I couldn’t see it at the time, but sexuality without genuine intimacy was actually rotting my soul more than filling it. However, the rotting only made me feel more empty and desperate, and the cycle continued.
My longing for influence became troublesome when I started sacrificing my character to control the people in my life instead of to serve them. I learned early on how to use emotions to manipulate people. I recall using the little charm I had to get out of trouble with adults. I used the silent treatment to try and get my way. I was passive-aggressive before I knew it was even a thing! When my insecurities were heightened, I used biting criticism to control the people closest in my life… which only ate away at the precious intimacy we shared. This coercive lifestyle was stealing life from me, not adding to it.
Sadly, I didn’t know how to change any of this. I was afraid I would never find meaningful intimacy (no one would truly love me enough to marry me). I was afraid I would never taste what true influence felt like (no one would find my life valuable to them).
Hope for the Hopeless
Jesus crashed into my downward-spiraling world with good news for my starving heart. On a warm spring day in Tonkawa, Oklahoma, Jesus showed me that He loved me. In spite of my searching for love from everyone else but Him, He loved me. I felt it in my bones. He satisfied my longing for intimacy on the spot.
But He did more than love me — He said He valued me. He filled me with conviction that He had profound things to accomplish through my life if I would only let Him lead me. It was an easy answer for me; I was destroying my life and the lives of those around me, but if He could take my brokenness and use it for good, I was all His.
That day gave me hope. That day was the beginning of a new approach to life. But… that day was also only the beginning of a long road to what I now understand as living Fully Alive.
Jesus: A True Foundation for Intimacy and Influence
Jesus loved me, but He made it clear that there was more for me than broken attempts at intimacy and influence that damaged rather than restored relationships. He promised to help me love myself and others selflessly—He would help me grow in my capacity for genuine intimacy.
Jesus valued me, but He made it clear there was more for me here too. He promised to help me see my real value as I discovered the gifts and passions He had infused in me through His Spirit. He promised to use those gifts and passions to make Earth more like heaven—He would help me live a life of selfless influence.
Jesus had laid the foundation for a Fully Alive life. He invited me to partner with Him to make the most of it. This was awesome! Now, to be honest, the progress over the next twenty years was slow. I was highly dedicated to the process, but I didn’t have an understanding of discipleship, and this turned out to be severely limiting. My seminary training provided unbelievable amounts of theological information, but a focus on the information only led to incremental amounts of personal transformation. It would take another twenty four years before I really understood how to join Jesus in living Fully Alive.
In the third and final blog of the series, I will share how spiritual growth was limited in those first two decades, and what happened between 2009 and 2011 to significantly fuel my growth toward living Fully Alive.
Until then, I have a challenge for you.
Will you take a few minutes to take a spiritual inventory of your capacity for intimacy and influence?
Are your relationships mutually beneficial or more about you?
Do you use your influence to control people or serve people?
This is an invitation to be honest with yourself and possibly with a trusted friend or loved one. Write your answers down. Share them with Jesus. Ask Him how you can begin to experience more selfless intimacy and influence through Him.